Screw everything about the future.
So I’ve had so many questions about this relationship. And why when I ask you, you have just one answer - the future. Why you’re working your ass off, even if it mean you’re saving up for your hospital bills in the future. Why you always leave, come back and then leave again. Why you’ve broken a thousand of your promises. But there’s this one question that I’m always, have always been after to ask - if you were to choose between me or a well off future alone, what would you have chosen?
Since you stood me up again, I’ve been thinking.
How you always do this to me. How you always make me feel miserable and deprive me of having to spend even just a day with you. How you never made me feel important, not even once. How you forget to make me feel special. How you have broken every promise you have made. How I stay and have your back while I waste every shot I have to be someone in my industry. How I stopped my life to be able to catch up with yours. How I’ve been wasting my life.
For the future, huh?
I hope one day you will realize you are overdoing and overlooking things. One day.
I was standing below the traffic sign on a red light waiting for you. Maybe I misread the signs. I thought you’d stop me. But you went green and let me go. So now I’m running past traffic signs leaving you on your most comfortable pedestrian.
(C) MA Castro
Still a girl.
I don’t get it. Yes, I look like I know what I’m doing. I’m a bitch. I’m like, one of the boys (to the point my friend doesn’t want to listen to my girly advixes because I am one of the boys daw). But you know, I’m still a girl.
So I was questioning a friend last night - bakit ganun?
Ano ba naman yung time lang yung hinihingi ko kasi kailangan ko siya? Ano ba naman yung kausapin niya ako kahit ayoko? Ano ba naman yung padalhan niya ako ng isang rose kapag galit ako? Ano ba naman yung suyuin ako kahit kaunti? Ano ba naman yung tanungin kung okay lang ako? Ano ba naman yung mag-explain kahit galit ako, nababasa ko naman? Ano ba naman yung puntahan ako kasi kailangan ko siya? Ano ba naman yung kahit isang oras lang isingit niya ako sa linggo niya kasi girlfriend niya ako? Ano ba naman yun? Am I not that important? Hassle. Bakit ganun? Harsh. Haha.
Ayoko na. Haha. I know I hurt him at some point. But you know. It sucks that I can’t keep questioning myself about a lot of things plus the guilt shit that he is (not knowing) giving me. Because my patience screwed up. Because I fcuked up. I’m not okay. I’m not okay.
I may appear that I know what I’m doing and I may have decided on something already. But you know, I regret that. And I’m too afraid to admit it. This sucks.
And now I’m scared to talk to him. Kasi alam ko yung sasabihin niya. Kasi alam ko yung ayokong marinig at masasaktan lang ako. Kasi natatakot parin ako.
Pero bakit ganun, wala man lang kahit ano :( wala. Oh well.
In the middle of editing.
So I just broke up with my boyfriend via text message. I know it’s not proper, but what the heck. I’m furious. Its an impulsive thing to do. I just don’t get it. How can he spend hours and days with his work and workmates, and actually reject all my invitations for dates. That’s just off. I kill myself over work hours and I still see to it that I have time for him. It just sucks that it’s been going on for years and he never does anything about it. I’m always the one who tries to understand. Well now my patience just ran out. And I know I should be answering his calls and texts, and should be hearing his side. But this is not the nice side of me talking. I don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s just sad, and I couldn’t stop questioning myself. A guy who (used to) like(s) me cancels his gigs just because I need him for a shoot and it’s not even paid. My ex-boyfriend sacrifices his sleep just because I want to tell him some random thing about my dress or whatever. I’m dying of stress and my boyfriend tells me he is in a meeting. I know I am toxic, he is toxic, but what the fcuk is the purpose of this relationship. I’m a girl, I go melodramatic sometimes. But I guarantee I don’t give him headaches - just because I’m clingy, or I suspect he has another girl, or whatsoever some other psychotic girlfriends do (no offense). But you know, it just gets so tiring for me. That I do this and I do that. And this and that.
I’m not a guy. I should be treated as a girl and should be prioritized. Well right now I don’t give a shit anymore. Call me a bitch, a bad person - but everyone who knows my side will understand.
My friends and I started this two years ago. We would go on a Visita Iglesia to Churches Via foot. And we go far - from Makati to Manila„ etc. This year it’s Intrmuros to Project 6 for us. I don’t know why or how we do this, but we don’t really do fasting or anymore sacrifices, I guess this is our part of the Holy Week sacrifices. It’s like our Panata. I hope this goes on until we can..
I’ve been friends with these guys for like ten years now and maybe this is what binds us all together - we love God in our little ways, and we kind of push each other to stay faithful, and maybe you know, to do stuff for God. Idk how to explain. Off all the people I meet until today, I still run to them for comfort. And whenever we need more than each other, we’d run to God.
So I love youu.
Dahil ayaw niya sa matamis na ulam. Ayaw niya ng watermelon sinigang. So arte my bestfriend. Hahaha! Benta. I had to share.
So, I’ve been admiring this guy since I met him. Not in that ‘admire’ admire sense. Something like a role model, or a kuya, or idol. Whatever, you get the idea. I admire him because at a very young age, he is what he is now. He isn’t even thirty. And I get inspired whenever I see him, and whenever I listen to his stories.
Last night we lost a lens cap after rehearsals. I worked for him as his ‘lente girl’ for my on-the-job training. So I remembered him - because whenever I lose a lens cap, he would watch me freak out first, and then he would hand it to me. Such a great boss and workmate.
One of the people in the industry that I want to work with, more projects, I hope.
1) I admire him for being who he is now. I listen to his life stories, and well, it wasn’t easy for him. But you know, he got up and despite everything, he’s still the jolly person.. And he brings smiles to everyone around him.
2) He opened my eyes to cinematography - again. Because I somehow gave up on using cameras. When I was his intern, he would patiently teach me how things work, and what I should do. And even after the early calltime and late pack-ups, he would always spare some time to review me of what he already told me. Well, he taught me not to be afraid of the camera (unconciously)
3) Humility. He is a good cinematographer, director-of-photography. He knows a lot of things. But he doesn’t brag. He isn’t arrogant. He accomodates and helps everyone as long as he has time. One thing I remember - we encountered two most arrogant people in our school who somehow offended him. But he kept quiet, never talked back. The only thing he did was light a cigarette, paused for ten minutes and got back to work.
4) His great attitude towards work. He would always make the shoot lighter. But I’ve never seen him be mad in a shoot though (well, once, and I went crazy and felt disappointed at myself, but after that he said ‘it’s okay’).
Well, I could never ever show my face to him if he reads this. But you know, if he does, I just want to thank him for everything he taught me (unconsciously). And, he’s like my super favorite DOP and I super wanna work with him again and again and again.
Someday, sana maging tulad niya ako no. Someday!!! :)
My best friend Xiamara’s little girl, Scarlett Cassidy. Hey bes, I hope you read this ‘cause I wont tell you in person - I’m proud of you for bringing Scarlett into this world! I wish you the best in mommyhood! And.. Uh, have fun! ;) your party nights just turned into mommy-duties-night! Hihi. Kiss. Love you both :*
No more charity projects.
For just a week, I’ve been arguing with two of my clients. One, because they could not understand how hard it is to give them the output they want in a span of short time - I think they think we’re magicians. Two, because they do not know how to appreciate what we do, and they do not know the meaning of proper compensation. I hate them.
Well, my ego got stepped on recently - by Rodin. Haha! He somehow told me that I give below minimum for everyone. On my defense, my dear, I’m a line producer/production manager. Whatever the producer gives me, that’s all I can shell out. But it’s okay. Feels good to hear that from someone.
So I was walking my way home. The saddest part is that I’m counting my coins, hoping it would suffice my ride home (because honestly I only have, like 60 in my wallet).
And then, after over a year of rejecting the idea - I finally came to my senses that I need to really know my worth. After all the deadly cheap charity projects, I’m left with only 18 pesos inside my coin purse. I don’t even know how to go to the office for two more days.
Everything came flashing (yes, I know, too dramatic). I go home at 2 in the morning after pre-production meetings and I barely see my family. My dad opens the door and goes back to sleep. I see my boyfriend once a week, or sometimes twice a month because I don’t have time, or sometimes money. I do not have a social life anymore. My college bff just “unfriend-ed”, if there is such word, me for being such an ass. I’m officially a Che’lu drop-out. I’m wasting my time.
Freelance work is like business - you need to have a profit. What am I getting so far? NONE.
So I’m gonna be a bitch now. Well, not really. I’m going to ask for what I deserve. Starting today. Starting now.
So everyone’s saying I’m such a weird girlfriend because I’m not clingy, I don’t get jealous that much, I let my boyfriend drink with his friends without asking who he’s with and such, I don’t ask him for anything that much… well, is that weird? That’s just me.
I’m not clingy because I don’t like him to be clingy. I don’t like clingy. You know, I always think we both still have separate lives even when we’re together. That’s life, you know. Even if he doesn’t think that way. I don’t want him to get so sakal. And we’re both career-oriented freaks, so, haha, we’re even.
I don’t get jealous not because I love him, but because I trust him that much. We’re way over that stage where going out with one girl other than me is the start of world war five.
I let him drink and go out with friends - because every individual has a social life. Haha. Yes, he needs to enjoy too, even without me. We have our time together, and he has friends. His world should not revolve around me. So it’s okay. Except, he’s not allowed to drunk-drive - thing he does when he’s drunk (which happens 1/10 times). Stubborn boy.
So what’s my problem?
I’ve been really clingy lately. I think I am. Haha. I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe I’m not as busy as I was before. So that’s one. Next is maybe I just miss him everyday since I’m getting used to having him here in Manila. I feel weird. Girlfriend problems.